Random Ramblings

As they always say, bedrooms are always private domains. One can really see what a person is like through their bedrooms. Tho my bedroom as a whole doesn’t reflect the real me currently (there is an exceptional reason for that), my bed holds the secrets of last night. My pillow is sworn to secrecy but the tell-tale stains are too obvious if someone looks in.

Labels: Opp-Com, ramblings

I’m so tired out that I can’t seem to think straight. My mind is in turmoil and hurling myself towards destruction.

I know Banana tried very hard and I in turn said yes to many things I might not have done otherwise. Knowing that Banana was truly disappointed in me, hurt me so much that I didn’t even think it could. I wish that things didn’t turn out like this. I was so hoping that this might be the spark to put everything on the path to a solution.

Why I couldn’t see beyond that one line is quite ridiculous. Banana thought it was for the best and told someone. Because of that one little line – everything is changed forever.

I had a friend tell me, that this was a pretty bad idea. But I stuck to my stubbornness and my belief that Banana could swing it. I had high hopes for Banana coz Banana is amazingly capable. What I didn’t factor in, was my own emotions, my own thought processes. Polar bear is right, I can’t do this alone; To have fought to stay on this path for so long has taken its toll. It is a dangerous gamble I take. Yet I still do it everyday in hopes that I can overcome my shortcomings.

Next to Banana, I feel completely unworthy, so utterly inferior. I wonder if I will ever be able to make it up to Banana and it just make things right. I would even settle for less wrong. I feel so guilty I don’t even know how to describe it.

Labels: Opp-Com

Could it be because I felt that I didn’t really make the effort to write that text? Or was it that I didn’t put in the effort s I assumed it would be tossed out anyway?

I was strangely unaffected throughout it all and was even lucid enough to have these thoughts, instead of my mind being filled with various methods of which I could torture the person in question.

I was still in fairly jovial spirits when I left the office, all factors considered. I can’t really pinpoint why my mood suddenly turned melancholic and in some sense needy. As each phone call brought me to a dead end with the short word “bye”, the surrounding looked strangely tempting to just lie back, ignore everything and close my eyes.

So I met my mind in the middle and I sat down and just watched the people milling around. It just made me feel lonelier. This strange mood swing baffles me. I’m not exactly sure what my mind is trying to tell me. I guess I have to wait and see, my mind is too convoluted for even myself to figure out half the time.

Labels: ramblings

Work has been a killer. I have decisions to make, but I cannot seem to bring myself to make them. My mind has been so full of things to write, but the time never seemed enough. I guess nothing really goes as planned.

I am starting to wonder, if due to some things I said to one of my bosses, I am being put on the bench. As much as I know one of my colleagues is extremely capable of doing it, it does hurt that I was not asked or suggested. Modus operatus in the office seems like don’t tell the staff anything; keep them in the dark. I notice conversations suddenly change just as I enter. The feeling of doom looms too low overhead.

After working longer than expected on Saturday, and still not doing the work I planned to do, I came back to PC, being such a darling. Since I have been working crazy hours, I haven’t been able to see or play with her. Unfortunately, I feel asleep on the couch pretty quickly. Damn that couch, it just induces sleep.

I had a really nice dinner the other day – complete with laughter, jibes and just being. It was a great offset to the amazing fiasco of the days before. My dreary spirit and mood was lifted. It should last a while.

Over on the overseas front – got a call from my best friend. I really do miss her. With the pending trip in August, I am getting truly excited; though the trip might not happen, as just too many things creating hurdles. It is times like this, I wish I could just be there to just sit with her; I know everything will feel a lot better afterwhich.

This is seriously one hotchpotch of a post. I’m actually shocked I wrote it. Soon I will definitely write more logically and less stream-of-thought like.

Labels: ramblings

I almost went up to him to correct him. It is an amazingly ludicrous statement. He went on to say that normal human beings do not feel insecurity, only abnormal ones do. Insecurity is a part of life; we all experience it somehow, somewhere.

Whether it’s taking an unknown leap into a new career path, where you might feel insecure that you are not making the right decision, or if you find out a person half your age, earns twice your salary, or a girl sees pictures in a magazine and feels insecure that she is not a conventional beauty or that she is overweight. Some experience a lot of insecurities in their daily life, while others may take a big situation to shake them.

But one thing is certain, it is not confined to the abnormal people. It is a normal human emotion; the only question is how one chooses to deal with that same insecurity.

Labels: ramblings