Random Ramblings

Downstairs wasn’t all that bad in the end. I got tired of kicking a huge object, so I packed up, put everything back as best I could and bundled myself, blanket, pillows and bolster down to sleep on the couch.

At first it felt weird – I even text my cousin to tell him that it was feeling a little like I had a fight and was stuck on the couch. When the strange initial feeling passed, the ambient night sounds took a little getting used too; I was then lulled into a sense of quietness. Besides the fact that I woke to the movements of the morning in the house (but strangely couldn’t make myself get out of bed couch when my alarms went off.

Another night on the couch tonight, and I’m actually looking forward to it.

My room has just gotten a new paint job and the paint only recently dried so the big table/dresser has not been moved back yet. I was planning to sleep on the couch – something I had already planned for weeks ago, when I first heard of the painting adventure. But currently, I seem to find solace in my makeshift corner and am in no mood currently to move downstairs to sleep, when I know I’m in desperate need of REM.

In the last two weeks, my room has been turned upside down twice. The first was for the installation of the new aircon unit, and today it’s the paint job. Maybe it’s enough sub-consciously that I am in somewhere I have known for so long. Changes scare me – and in some way, I’m looking for stability.

Even if it’s as simple as finding a little dusty corner in my room to sleep.

My sounding board, my voice of reason in the midst of my madness, my grounding for my castles in the air, etc etc etc (I could go on, but what is really the point) is gone… From the time the person stood 5 feet away from me, I felt lost and alone. All I could do was not cry and stand there and watch the distance between us grow.

It seems almost certain that my partner in crime is not coming back too. I can’t seem to shake the feeling of loneliness now.

As the tear drops fall,
The soul empties out.
Loneliness creeps in,
Under the cloak of sadness.

We were sitting in the kitchen discuss careers and such, and my brother says to me “You should really start planning and settling down into your career” or something to that effect. It’s made me wonder if he really sees me as one who has no career path, or is it because our work/industries are oceans apart; he doesn’t really seem to understand how mine works. Do I really seem aimless in my career? The happenings over the past week do make me question myself a little on where I am heading. To me, I feel that is just fear talking as I am venturing into new and exciting ground, which does feel a little overwhelming.

Could it really be a wrong path, and my brother is right that I need a serious plan?