Random Ramblings

I know I have been silent for a long while now, my draft posts have been stacking up. I have been swamped and there is a new development – all will be revealed in due course.

Today, there is a different agenda.

As I see you sitting there, my mind races to find something to say or do. I know I’ve put my foot into my mouth more than once, and I am sorry.

It hurts me to see you in this situation and know that I cannot do anything to help you or ease your pain; especially since you have been my rock for a while now. I thought laughter might be a good medicine, but it didn’t turn out as well as I had hoped.

So I’m turning to one of the things I do best.

I will be here for you, no matter what, no matter when or where. Let me be of some service to you. I know you are extremely strong, but I’m here regardless coz I know it’s always good to have someone even if you are He-Man. I can voucher that a few other people will be willing to do the same.

So please, do not do this alone. We are here.

Labels: Hard Knocks, Opp-Com

After stewing over it for so many days – I have finally come to a decision. This post, in its entirety, will serve as my closure. You will probably never read it, but this time it is about me for once.

I have done everything in my capabilities to do my best by you. Unfortunately, you think the world revolves around you. I am not here for you to take it out upon whenever things do not go your way or if you are in a bad mood. We all have difficult moments in our lives as well as our own demons to fight.

Until now, I have haboured no hostility towards you. Yes, I am well aware that the saying goes “that Rome was not built in a day”. But when choose to destroy the one thing that is most precious to me, you will remember that hell has no fury like a woman scorned. I have tried to find solace in many friends, tho many have called me unreasonable. I find that I am unable to forgive and the more I think or talk about it, the more I realise that I cannot just pretend it never happened.

You insult me by insinuating the most ridiculous things about me - my morals, beliefs and integrity – and with that you have lost my trust. You keep telling people that you know me and understand me – yet, if you really did you would have known that by doing what you have done you have created a situation which is irreparable. You would have known that I do not trust easily – once I start taking a single step towards the process of trusting you, and u betray me; I will turn about with no hesitation and never look back.

If you really knew me, you would have known that my integrity is of utmost importance and what my beliefs are. And with that train of thought you would therefore never implied that I would betray something I hold so dear. You pick up some tacky accusation and you actually tried to pin it on me. Did you think I would never find out? I would never wish that on my most hated enemy. What ever made you think I would accept it lying down?

You now only have yourself to blame for this situation you have designed by your own hand. I will never entertain any of your attention-seeking ploys ever again. You have forgotten how cold and detached I can be. May this serve as a reminder to you.

Consider it that hell as frozen over. The Ice Queen has returned (just for you).

Labels: Opp-Com

As they always say, bedrooms are always private domains. One can really see what a person is like through their bedrooms. Tho my bedroom as a whole doesn’t reflect the real me currently (there is an exceptional reason for that), my bed holds the secrets of last night. My pillow is sworn to secrecy but the tell-tale stains are too obvious if someone looks in.

Labels: Opp-Com, ramblings

I’m so tired out that I can’t seem to think straight. My mind is in turmoil and hurling myself towards destruction.

I know Banana tried very hard and I in turn said yes to many things I might not have done otherwise. Knowing that Banana was truly disappointed in me, hurt me so much that I didn’t even think it could. I wish that things didn’t turn out like this. I was so hoping that this might be the spark to put everything on the path to a solution.

Why I couldn’t see beyond that one line is quite ridiculous. Banana thought it was for the best and told someone. Because of that one little line – everything is changed forever.

I had a friend tell me, that this was a pretty bad idea. But I stuck to my stubbornness and my belief that Banana could swing it. I had high hopes for Banana coz Banana is amazingly capable. What I didn’t factor in, was my own emotions, my own thought processes. Polar bear is right, I can’t do this alone; To have fought to stay on this path for so long has taken its toll. It is a dangerous gamble I take. Yet I still do it everyday in hopes that I can overcome my shortcomings.

Next to Banana, I feel completely unworthy, so utterly inferior. I wonder if I will ever be able to make it up to Banana and it just make things right. I would even settle for less wrong. I feel so guilty I don’t even know how to describe it.

Labels: Opp-Com