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Past giggles, laughs & thoughts
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Wednesday, August 29, 2007
*sings terribly off key*
All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go
I'm standin' here outside your door
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye
A whole new world
A dazzling place I never knew
Call me on the line
Call me call me any anytime
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
I know I have been silent for a long while now, my draft posts have been stacking up. I have been swamped and there is a new development – all will be revealed in due course.
Today, there is a different agenda.
As I see you sitting there, my mind races to find something to say or do. I know I’ve put my foot into my mouth more than once, and I am sorry.
It hurts me to see you in this situation and know that I cannot do anything to help you or ease your pain; especially since you have been my rock for a while now. I thought laughter might be a good medicine, but it didn’t turn out as well as I had hoped.
So I’m turning to one of the things I do best.
I will be here for you, no matter what, no matter when or where. Let me be of some service to you. I know you are extremely strong, but I’m here regardless coz I know it’s always good to have someone even if you are He-Man. I can voucher that a few other people will be willing to do the same.
So please, do not do this alone. We are here.
Sunday, July 22, 2007
I met my boss’ kids for the first time recently and my shaky confidence was tested and it did not really hold its ground.They are both a little younger than me, yet I was utterly intimated by them. In some sense, one of them is studying to go into the same field that I am also trained for. I was suddenly so conscientious of my every move, word and my “work” that the kid was reading. I have worked my ass off the last five years to make it in an industry that is as fickle as a woman, harsh as the
Yet, all said and done, I am still threatened by this kid. Because I know, when the kid finishes school, the parents will use their connections and get the kid placed somewhere good. I slogged so hard to get the little bit of recognition, and this kid is just going to cruise into it without any problems at all.
I am unsure if I am jealous, but in some sense I cannot see myself cruising thru life (tho it might be nice for a while). I know I would have missed many a crucial lesson, if I was just given the privilege. Without those amazing lessons, I know I will not be the person I am today; as cliché as that sounds; nor would I have gained the respect of my ex-bosses and ex-colleagues.
I guess it irks me that the kids will just cruise through life because of their parents and the parents’ wealth. I don’t ever recall dreaming filthy rich or extremely influential. I sometimes see the kids as birds in a gilded cage with no chance of really knowing how the world is like.
I am simply happy to be comfortable – wealth does not intrigue me none. As long as I have enough to put a roof over my head and food on my table (maybe with a luxury once in a blue moon). I am sated to live a common life with the masses.
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Will people ever really listen?
It is so infuriating to hear my superiors tell me that something is wrong, after I have said it many times before and kept bringing it up to their attention. Regardless of how many times I try to remind them, or show that them that we are missing huge chucks of a project, they always choose to see it at the last moment.
As if suddenly, a great light has dawn upon them and the panic sets in. They start getting paranoid and frustrated that things are not done. It is beginning to seem like they will never really hear what I have to say or let me do the things I continually suggest to prevent the avoidable stress.
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
After stewing over it for so many days – I have finally come to a decision. This post, in its entirety, will serve as my closure. You will probably never read it, but this time it is about me for once.
I have done everything in my capabilities to do my best by you. Unfortunately, you think the world revolves around you. I am not here for you to take it out upon whenever things do not go your way or if you are in a bad mood. We all have difficult moments in our lives as well as our own demons to fight.
Until now, I have haboured no hostility towards you. Yes, I am well aware that the saying goes “that
You insult me by insinuating the most ridiculous things about me - my morals, beliefs and integrity – and with that you have lost my trust. You keep telling people that you know me and understand me – yet, if you really did you would have known that by doing what you have done you have created a situation which is irreparable. You would have known that I do not trust easily – once I start taking a single step towards the process of trusting you, and u betray me; I will turn about with no hesitation and never look back.
If you really knew me, you would have known that my integrity is of utmost importance and what my beliefs are. And with that train of thought you would therefore never implied that I would betray something I hold so dear. You pick up some tacky accusation and you actually tried to pin it on me. Did you think I would never find out? I would never wish that on my most hated enemy. What ever made you think I would accept it lying down?
You now only have yourself to blame for this situation you have designed by your own hand. I will never entertain any of your attention-seeking ploys ever again. You have forgotten how cold and detached I can be. May this serve as a reminder to you.
Consider it that hell as frozen over. The Ice Queen has returned (just for you).
Thursday, June 14, 2007
I am back doing the idiot mindless work again.
I am unsure if I can take it. Just a while ago, I was put back in my element. As I stood there, I felt like I was home, I felt happier and comfortable. Even my boss looked at me and went – You look right at home. This is your domain.
One of the many things swimming in my head is – why in the world did I switch companies when this one is not letting me do what I want to do and why am I still staying?
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
My head hurts.
It’s in turmoil. I know I have many decisions to make, but I cannot seem to find an answer to any of them. Maybe it is because I am thinking about it all at the same time. I guess it does not help to have new things constantly added to the pile.
As my friend said, I cannot be responsible for everyone’s problems. Regardless, I feel responsible for a lot of things and the weight of the burden is hurting my shoulders. I have no one to turn to for any kind of assistance.
Most see me as a strong person, with willpower that does not seem to have any boundaries. I cannot understand why people like to judge the book by its cover. I’m no dragon lady. Underneath the brash exterior lies one very fragile and tired soul. A soul so weary, it no longer has strength to pursue the happiness it needs to survive. Just because I am able to hold my head high, and show a different side of me at work, doesn’t not mean that is all there is to me. I put on a front, as it is the only thing I can do to get through a day.
Those complimentary remarks tend to leave me weaker rather than boosting my willpower or strength. It saps at what little strength I might have left, to smile and pretend they are right.
From juggling work, to personal issues, internal turmoil and long outstanding decisions coupled with having to deal a fake identity is taking is toil—that is just too many balls in the air
The yoke is heavy, and the body and soul are weary.