Random Ramblings

But between my insane schedule and lack of inspirational ideas to the fact that my model has been to busy for my photoshoot, I never got around to doing it. Today, I had reached home before my supermarket’s closing time, so I decided to get a few food items to stock up and I caught the golden can at the corner of my eye so I quickly grabbed it.

Isn’t the little one the sweetest? Her expressions while I was shooting her, was so hilarious and heartwarming all at the same time.

She took a while to decide, fickle little one.

Greedy as well.

I had never liked Barney, the damn thing irritated the living daylights out of me. It did not help one bit that the darn thing was this horrid purple and green. Even while my little cousin lived with me, I could tolerate a lot of the programs she watched - constantly and sometimes even on repeat - from Bananas in Pajamas, High Five (this one was particularly interesting) and various others. But I just could not stand Barney. I would rather deal with her crying, than put on a Barney VCD which would keep her quite with no fuss.

Today, I was willing to tolerate him for a little while at least. After the photoshoot, the Barney episode also was ending, and he was singing that blood-curdling family song. Guess what PC did? She leaned over and stretched out her arms wide for a hug. When I pulled her down to me, she was very contented to just hug me and watch them singing, with a couple of kisses. How does one fault Barney when it makes the little ones do such lovable things?

Labels: advent, Insaner Ones

It turns out that I didn't get any work done, but I did get a lot of amazing sofa time. I have a strange affinity towards sofas. I tend to like nicely curling up on them or having a quick nap or just simply lazing on it.

Just the other day, I was playing with PC on the couch, the next thing I knew it was midnight… I had nodded off into dreamland… quite a feat for someone who doesn’t go to sleep easily. I think this stems from the lack of couches over my lifetime. In my childhood home, there were two – and I had a lot of fun on them. Tho I don’t recall sleeping on them, they were definitely used and abused.

The thing I look forward the most when I do get my own place – is the freedom to just curl up on my own sofa with a cushion and a blanket.

Labels: ramblings

I went on some sort of shopping spree yesterday, in hopes to cheer my drooping spirit after that phone call. I just was not capable of continuing with my original plan so I walked around aimlessly, hoping for something to happen I guess. But nothing really did, except the hole in my wallet had gotten bigger yesterday. I had hoped that that family member would be the one to triumph the odds, since he seemed most likely to do so. I feel responsible and I cannot seem to shake the feeling of dread and impending doom. I was trying to help the situation today, but I don’t think I managed to make it easier on anyone concerned.

But my friend said, why am I so worked up over it, this is not happening to me directly. I presume it’s due to the little glimmer of hope I had that things would be better and therefore that things might actually work out for myself has now been extinguished. I know it sounds highly selfish, but maybe I am just not cut out to handle this kind of stress.

While I was trying to deal with yesterday news, today’s work was a killer. I think because I wasn’t completely “at work” it didn’t help the insane problems we had today. I feel so helpless and useless – that I had screwed things up so badly in some way. The double whammy kind of just caught me off guard. So instead of doing either one well, I was trying to straddle two boats, and fell right into the water. It was definitely not a good day and I was trying so hard just to keep myself afloat.

In some sense, today’s news has hurt me more. Tho one would think yesterdays would be one of more magnitude, since it is biological family. Today’s one is work – or rather ex-work.

When you’ve put your heart and soul into something, it becomes part of you. You don’t just close your eyes and it goes away. It stays with you, and you feel for it as you would another person. Why you ask? Coz part of you is in there – you feel the same pain you would, if someone had slapped you.

It just feels like someone has just ripped out such an important part of me, something that had defined me for so many years—is suddenly not what I had imagined it to be any longer. In some ways I knew it would come to this, but I never expected it to happen so quickly and cut so deep.

I’m sitting in my room trying to process all that has happened. When you realise things have gone so wrong, you just want to sit in some corner, away from everything just to be alone, to be alone physically and alone with your thoughts. Drawing into oneself sometimes can be a terrible thing to do. You have no one to turn to, no one to share the problems. It just festers.

Labels: advent, ramblings, Source of Life

I got tons of things that I need to put into words, but my body is deciding not to be a disciplined one at the moment. Work is really getting to me – I know I’m having it easier in comparison to some of my colleagues; but that train of thought sometimes has no effect to make me feel a bit better. I just feel that I’m always one step behind everything with no chance in sight to catch up.

Well, hopefully I will get to backup all these thoughts soon.

Labels: ramblings

In comparison to my previous background – this oppressiveness and control is starting to stifle me. I know I have always been one to say – there is no fair way to compare oneself, except to oneself; likewise for situations. So far I have been trying really hard not to draw any, unfortunately so far it has seemed to be a fruitless effort and my list looks almost like Santa’s on 1 December.

A small – somewhat offhand – mention, has gotten me into a bind. As I think, there is a lot of reasoning and planning behind that mention, and I dread to find out what it is.

Labels: Source of Life