Random Ramblings

I went on some sort of shopping spree yesterday, in hopes to cheer my drooping spirit after that phone call. I just was not capable of continuing with my original plan so I walked around aimlessly, hoping for something to happen I guess. But nothing really did, except the hole in my wallet had gotten bigger yesterday. I had hoped that that family member would be the one to triumph the odds, since he seemed most likely to do so. I feel responsible and I cannot seem to shake the feeling of dread and impending doom. I was trying to help the situation today, but I don’t think I managed to make it easier on anyone concerned.

But my friend said, why am I so worked up over it, this is not happening to me directly. I presume it’s due to the little glimmer of hope I had that things would be better and therefore that things might actually work out for myself has now been extinguished. I know it sounds highly selfish, but maybe I am just not cut out to handle this kind of stress.

While I was trying to deal with yesterday news, today’s work was a killer. I think because I wasn’t completely “at work” it didn’t help the insane problems we had today. I feel so helpless and useless – that I had screwed things up so badly in some way. The double whammy kind of just caught me off guard. So instead of doing either one well, I was trying to straddle two boats, and fell right into the water. It was definitely not a good day and I was trying so hard just to keep myself afloat.

In some sense, today’s news has hurt me more. Tho one would think yesterdays would be one of more magnitude, since it is biological family. Today’s one is work – or rather ex-work.

When you’ve put your heart and soul into something, it becomes part of you. You don’t just close your eyes and it goes away. It stays with you, and you feel for it as you would another person. Why you ask? Coz part of you is in there – you feel the same pain you would, if someone had slapped you.

It just feels like someone has just ripped out such an important part of me, something that had defined me for so many years—is suddenly not what I had imagined it to be any longer. In some ways I knew it would come to this, but I never expected it to happen so quickly and cut so deep.

I’m sitting in my room trying to process all that has happened. When you realise things have gone so wrong, you just want to sit in some corner, away from everything just to be alone, to be alone physically and alone with your thoughts. Drawing into oneself sometimes can be a terrible thing to do. You have no one to turn to, no one to share the problems. It just festers.

Labels: advent, ramblings, Source of Life