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Random Ramblings
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
Pulling the plug
This post might not be coherent—my brain is working on overdrive and I’m in such a mess. It was written on two different days, so things might not flow as it should.
I’ve just received word that one of my favourite/pet projects at work is being terminated. It was a hard kick in the gut to have to hear that news and I was stunned as hell when I walked out of that meeting.
Everything I did from that moment on - from prepping corporate things, using the imagery from that project, making sure that it was perfect - felt like I was taking steps just to pull the plug on your child, you’ve nurtured, fought with, fought for, worried about, dreamt off and so on.
I’ve been working on this project for a long time; it was one of the main reasons why I have not left the company. I have big dreams for it. Sorry, I had big dreams for it… now it all gone. This void feeling in my heart hurts. With every thing I do, I just cannot help but feel such dread that with my own two hands, I’m killing the thing I have worked so hard for, that I’ve given up so many (late) nights in this office to deal with, that all those sleepless nights just planning in my head the various things I need to do, want to do.
After my boss said it, I just blanked out. I didn’t know what to say, or if I had any questions. I think if you asked me my name at that very moment, in all likelihood, I would not have been able to answer you. I quickly pulled myself together, and asked the questions that needed asking due to various other projects I was working on as well. To anyone listening in, it might have sounded like I didn’t give a damn about the bomb that had just dropped; that I was unfeeling over this whole situation. But yet as I write this, in the darkness of my room, emotions engulf me. It is hard even to see my screen.
When a colleague started talking about how sad it was to hear this news, and she was heading to talk about it like one does when a person passes on—I quickly showed no emotion and said “Let’s just do what needs to be done” like I was made of steel and didn’t care at all that my heart was just shattered. Every time someone brought it up, I’ll just brush them off with a “Let’s just do our job” line. I saw people in that same meeting that was seriously affected by the news, whether we are allowed to show it or not. Yes, in a way it was a relieve, a reprieve from the stress we have been under for the project. But I highly doubt that given a choice, we would really actually want to terminate the project. It has always been something close to our hearts – it was started out of passion and we managed to keep that going.
With each thing I do, mail I write, corporate stuff I have to do, it just tears at me inside in ways that some people would never understand. It irks the living daylights out of me when someone just says, “it’s just a job, why do you care so much about it”. I wonder how our partners in this project would react when they find out the news. In a way, it is very close to their hearts too. In the midst of the Christmas season, this is such bad news for anyone to receive.
Killing one you so care about, is not an easy task.
I’ve just received word that one of my favourite/pet projects at work is being terminated. It was a hard kick in the gut to have to hear that news and I was stunned as hell when I walked out of that meeting.
Everything I did from that moment on - from prepping corporate things, using the imagery from that project, making sure that it was perfect - felt like I was taking steps just to pull the plug on your child, you’ve nurtured, fought with, fought for, worried about, dreamt off and so on.
I’ve been working on this project for a long time; it was one of the main reasons why I have not left the company. I have big dreams for it. Sorry, I had big dreams for it… now it all gone. This void feeling in my heart hurts. With every thing I do, I just cannot help but feel such dread that with my own two hands, I’m killing the thing I have worked so hard for, that I’ve given up so many (late) nights in this office to deal with, that all those sleepless nights just planning in my head the various things I need to do, want to do.
After my boss said it, I just blanked out. I didn’t know what to say, or if I had any questions. I think if you asked me my name at that very moment, in all likelihood, I would not have been able to answer you. I quickly pulled myself together, and asked the questions that needed asking due to various other projects I was working on as well. To anyone listening in, it might have sounded like I didn’t give a damn about the bomb that had just dropped; that I was unfeeling over this whole situation. But yet as I write this, in the darkness of my room, emotions engulf me. It is hard even to see my screen.
When a colleague started talking about how sad it was to hear this news, and she was heading to talk about it like one does when a person passes on—I quickly showed no emotion and said “Let’s just do what needs to be done” like I was made of steel and didn’t care at all that my heart was just shattered. Every time someone brought it up, I’ll just brush them off with a “Let’s just do our job” line. I saw people in that same meeting that was seriously affected by the news, whether we are allowed to show it or not. Yes, in a way it was a relieve, a reprieve from the stress we have been under for the project. But I highly doubt that given a choice, we would really actually want to terminate the project. It has always been something close to our hearts – it was started out of passion and we managed to keep that going.
With each thing I do, mail I write, corporate stuff I have to do, it just tears at me inside in ways that some people would never understand. It irks the living daylights out of me when someone just says, “it’s just a job, why do you care so much about it”. I wonder how our partners in this project would react when they find out the news. In a way, it is very close to their hearts too. In the midst of the Christmas season, this is such bad news for anyone to receive.
Killing one you so care about, is not an easy task.
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