Random Ramblings

Today has been an odd day to say the least. There are things I wish I could take back, and things that I wish I would do again—no second guessing myself. In the course of this day, the following so many emotions have come to pass, that I can’t remember them all.

Another day passes that I’m reminded of my position and the “decorum” it entails. It is only so, because of certain people that chose to be close-minded and create such an environment. It’s an image I have to live up to and create just so that I don’t hurt / disappoint anyone else.

At work, I’m a bitch. I’ll honestly admit that as it is true. My management style tends to be more like a man – no surface feelings, just do the work and don’t give me grief. Emotions don’t come into play, this is an office, and we are here to work. No emotional blackmail, no crying, no “I’m a woman, so you need to help me” nonsense. I’m not in the office to pamper people, to see to their every whim like I am there just to assist them. It’s weird someone has to stop and teach you how to do you your job – as someone once told me to say to someone else, “If I’m going to teach you, am I getting a cut of your paycheck?”

Is it so hard for one person to keep their emotions in check when at work? I might be a lot younger than some of the people in my department, but I’m also paid to be professional when I step through those doors; so out comes the suit of no-emotion. In fact, I’ve done an amazing job of keeping my emotions in check, regardless where I am. Yes, it peeks out sometimes but never at work. I’ll finish my work before I step out to grieve over someone’s passing – never at work.

With all the irritations of the day, I almost gave up having a silver lining before lunch. Thankfully, some funny emails helped turned a scowl into a smile; and the fact that my leave is approved for my short holiday next year is also a perk up. Sometimes I wonder why I still work where I do. People and work can drive me insane. As I mentioned to my friend this afternoon, I hardly have a life outside work. For the whole time I’ve been working for here, I won’t know if I can go out after work until 6pm. I’ve left friends hanging, cancelled on them and turned down amazing offers to go out at times. Yet some part of me says it’s all worth while, and there are times in my job when that is true.

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Recently, I showed a part of myself I would never show on a normal basis. Being drained, and having the tiredness sneak up on me so suddenly gave unexpected results. It was a great day with a really fun group of friends and something happened, I told one of them something I wish I could take back as it is just unfair to put such a burden on him, and I believe I completely embarrassed myself. Now, there seems to be this wedge between some of us, and I doubt there is just nothing I can do about it.