Random Ramblings

This post might not be coherent—my brain is working on overdrive and I’m in such a mess. It was written on two different days, so things might not flow as it should.

---

I’ve just received word that one of my favourite/pet projects at work is being terminated. It was a hard kick in the gut to have to hear that news and I was stunned as hell when I walked out of that meeting.

Everything I did from that moment on - from prepping corporate things, using the imagery from that project, making sure that it was perfect - felt like I was taking steps just to pull the plug on your child, you’ve nurtured, fought with, fought for, worried about, dreamt off and so on.

I’ve been working on this project for a long time; it was one of the main reasons why I have not left the company. I have big dreams for it. Sorry, I had big dreams for it… now it all gone. This void feeling in my heart hurts. With every thing I do, I just cannot help but feel such dread that with my own two hands, I’m killing the thing I have worked so hard for, that I’ve given up so many (late) nights in this office to deal with, that all those sleepless nights just planning in my head the various things I need to do, want to do.

After my boss said it, I just blanked out. I didn’t know what to say, or if I had any questions. I think if you asked me my name at that very moment, in all likelihood, I would not have been able to answer you. I quickly pulled myself together, and asked the questions that needed asking due to various other projects I was working on as well. To anyone listening in, it might have sounded like I didn’t give a damn about the bomb that had just dropped; that I was unfeeling over this whole situation. But yet as I write this, in the darkness of my room, emotions engulf me. It is hard even to see my screen.

When a colleague started talking about how sad it was to hear this news, and she was heading to talk about it like one does when a person passes on—I quickly showed no emotion and said “Let’s just do what needs to be done” like I was made of steel and didn’t care at all that my heart was just shattered. Every time someone brought it up, I’ll just brush them off with a “Let’s just do our job” line. I saw people in that same meeting that was seriously affected by the news, whether we are allowed to show it or not. Yes, in a way it was a relieve, a reprieve from the stress we have been under for the project. But I highly doubt that given a choice, we would really actually want to terminate the project. It has always been something close to our hearts – it was started out of passion and we managed to keep that going.

With each thing I do, mail I write, corporate stuff I have to do, it just tears at me inside in ways that some people would never understand. It irks the living daylights out of me when someone just says, “it’s just a job, why do you care so much about it”. I wonder how our partners in this project would react when they find out the news. In a way, it is very close to their hearts too. In the midst of the Christmas season, this is such bad news for anyone to receive.

Killing one you so care about, is not an easy task.

It’s been a long week, with a few engagements I had to pass over due to various reasons; and when I got back this afternoon, I actually fell asleep on the leather chair (damn, it was sticking to me!) in the living room while trying to get the kid to sleep. The event I did today went pseudo-ly well; but it was seriously draining. I might never want to get involved in something like that again. Especially with such a ridiculous team… can’t even seem to function on their own. They feel the need to consult with their junior at every turn and suggest the most insane things that obviously does not suit the event.

One last week before Christmas and I still am no closer to being ready for it. I haven’t enjoyed a holiday period in the longest time—mainly because it just reminds me how alone I am. As of now, I still have no plans for the entire weekend. At this rate, I’ll just spend the holiday huddled up in my room, with only my darling laptop for company. Strangely enough, I haven’t found anything for my favourite cousin. It is hard to buy things for a five year old – and if I choose to do my rounds this year, I need pressies for my godma, everyone at my Aunt’s house. I really should get something for my close friends – but I freak out in crowds so easily (as one poor friend of mine found out when we went to MoS, I am sorry about freaking out on you, really) so this is no time to wander too far from home. I hate it when I start thinking of Christmas as a commercialised holiday – personally I think that might just be the worst way to see Christmas. All thanks to huge corporations that have put it in people’s subconscious that presents are always the way to go. Which is why, I rather just chill out with a few friends over a nice lunch/dinner/supper with no mention of presents at all.

As most of you know, I’ve avoided having alcoholic drinks for quite a while now. I only tend to drink when work calls for it. I went to a chalet/bbq party the other day, and there was quite a fair bit of alcohol, so it was offered to me and I decided to join in the festivities and merriment. One glass soon because another and another, tried some new flavours of Absolut, poured way to much alcohol in my glass at one point so I had to keep topping up with mixer. My friend actually was going to pour more, coz he thought I was just drinking coke. I haven’t been so high in ages… it was a weird feeling and got me thinking of other things.

All in all, it was a great night, with amazing company. We made so much noise, and cracked so many dirty jokes that we chased the near by people away. After the food finished, we went back to chalet for more “bonding”. There were screams of delight from the room, as most of us plonked ourselves outside (due too the sheer number of people who turned up) – we had to strain our heads to see what was going on, or just wait for the person who caused the screams to come out and tell us. I think the people next door might have thought we were having a mass orgy of sorts.

But sitting outside was great; we were all just sitting on both sides of the walkway with bottles of alcohol in front of us. It was a great time just to sit and joke, talk and laugh with friends. We had some of them pull of funny antics, a competition between the couples and a dare of stripping.

I haven’t had such a fun time in ages! It is one of the best bbqs that I have been too in a long while… and it just reminds me that I should at least try and plan my party; especially since its long overdue.

Today has been an odd day to say the least. There are things I wish I could take back, and things that I wish I would do again—no second guessing myself. In the course of this day, the following so many emotions have come to pass, that I can’t remember them all.

Another day passes that I’m reminded of my position and the “decorum” it entails. It is only so, because of certain people that chose to be close-minded and create such an environment. It’s an image I have to live up to and create just so that I don’t hurt / disappoint anyone else.

At work, I’m a bitch. I’ll honestly admit that as it is true. My management style tends to be more like a man – no surface feelings, just do the work and don’t give me grief. Emotions don’t come into play, this is an office, and we are here to work. No emotional blackmail, no crying, no “I’m a woman, so you need to help me” nonsense. I’m not in the office to pamper people, to see to their every whim like I am there just to assist them. It’s weird someone has to stop and teach you how to do you your job – as someone once told me to say to someone else, “If I’m going to teach you, am I getting a cut of your paycheck?”

Is it so hard for one person to keep their emotions in check when at work? I might be a lot younger than some of the people in my department, but I’m also paid to be professional when I step through those doors; so out comes the suit of no-emotion. In fact, I’ve done an amazing job of keeping my emotions in check, regardless where I am. Yes, it peeks out sometimes but never at work. I’ll finish my work before I step out to grieve over someone’s passing – never at work.

With all the irritations of the day, I almost gave up having a silver lining before lunch. Thankfully, some funny emails helped turned a scowl into a smile; and the fact that my leave is approved for my short holiday next year is also a perk up. Sometimes I wonder why I still work where I do. People and work can drive me insane. As I mentioned to my friend this afternoon, I hardly have a life outside work. For the whole time I’ve been working for here, I won’t know if I can go out after work until 6pm. I’ve left friends hanging, cancelled on them and turned down amazing offers to go out at times. Yet some part of me says it’s all worth while, and there are times in my job when that is true.

---

Recently, I showed a part of myself I would never show on a normal basis. Being drained, and having the tiredness sneak up on me so suddenly gave unexpected results. It was a great day with a really fun group of friends and something happened, I told one of them something I wish I could take back as it is just unfair to put such a burden on him, and I believe I completely embarrassed myself. Now, there seems to be this wedge between some of us, and I doubt there is just nothing I can do about it.

Let me tell you a story of Little Miss Oddball

---

LMO cleverly invited herself to her grandma’s birthday after much cajoling to her brother to find out the details from her aunts because no one thought to tell her. Upon arriving, she sat in the corner watching her cousin gleefully chitchat and play among themselves, while she was left at the sidelines watching and wishing she would be included.

Only when LMO’s grandma came did things start to perk up. With her, came along LMO’s favourite cousin who squealed in delight when their eyes met. With open arms and a big smile did the cousin have; and LMO noted the sparkle in her eye which warmed her heart.

Even after everyone was seated, LMO sat quietly… watching the conversation fly with such familiarity between everyone. She didn’t get the insider jokes, or the jibes – like there was a glass pane between her and them. Stilted conversation was the only kind she would receive, and in some way, she was glad there was some acknowledgement of her sitting there. The night ended like it started…with the addition of her uncle checking on her method of journey home.

It would seem that the only saving grace for the night was that her grandma smiled and there was joy in her baby cousin’s eyes to see her.

Such is a life of an odd ball I guess.

---

I must say, it is a story one might have heard before. Yet it also so poignant.

Things to note when trying to plan a dinner:

1) Sending out mass mails hardly works – even to people who check their email on a daily basis, they don’t respond
2) Murphy’s Law will always hold true – two times I want to plan, two times I fall ill.

Is it so hard to gather all of you just to spend some time together? Must one always make known the reason for the gathering before others will take notice?

Maybe I'll try one more time and see if third time really is the charm.