Random Ramblings

I recently went to a wake & funeral.

It has drudged up feelings of pain, heartache and my lack of filial piety. Closure is something I haven’t found on two deaths in my family. Both for different reasons, yet both still haunts me.

I went to this wake/funeral as it was a loved one of someone I know. When I saw the person walking out with the coffin – I cried too.

I cried for the person, as I know how much hurt she is feeling for losing a loved one.
I cried for the person, who touched me by the strength she was showing to walk with the coffin to take her loved one to her final resting place.
I cried for the person, whose selfless showed when she walked with her family on that painful journey.
I cried for the person, for the love they share, and will continue to share in some way.

Also,
I cried for myself.
I cried for myself, for the lack of loved I have, or do not have.
I cried for myself, for the weakness I portrayed when I should have walked with my loved one.
I cried for myself, for my inability to comfort my family and only cared about myself.
I cried for myself, for I should have been there, instead of giving my time to something that should not be more important.

The lack of closure cuts deeps. I play the scenes over and over in my head. I try to pin the blame on some people – who although was considered part of this act, is not the scapegoat. I dwindle into oblivion, a shell of the person I once was.